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From the INTRODUCTION…
Communicating with Your Preteen

Only 14 young people responded to Dr. Richardson’s research question with statements like “I know I can ask them anything right now” and “I can trust them not to tell and not to laugh.” We hope What Kids REALLY Want to Ask will increase that tally by the number of young people you care about. So, while this book isn’t intended as a “how-to” about communicating with teenagers, here are a few tips and reminders to help you create an open, inviting environment for your child to ask you questions.

• Cultivate a support system for yourself. Parenting is the hardest job there is. To do it well and provide your children with the emotional support they need as they move through the preteen years, you need support, too. Especially helpful is a nonjudgmental partner or friend who will let you vent about your teen when you are angry or frustrated. It is helpful to have someone who can remember that both you and your child are good people struggling to grow and learn, despite whatever conflict might be happening. Search out parent support groups.
  
• What Kids REALLY Want to Ask is a book designed to establish a level playing field on which parents and preteens can have meaningful conversations. The inherent power differential between parents and kids often gets in the way of honest and open communication. Work at eliminating criticism and judgments when using the suggestions in this book. Cultivate an atmosphere that says to your child, “There’s no question you can’t ask me. I will respect and take seriously any question you have.” Your actions speak louder than words on this one. If you say you are open to any question but then indicate by your body language or your response that you don’t mean it, it will be hard to regain your child’s trust.
  
• Take a cue from teenagers, who can be comfortable “hanging out” for hours together doing nothing in particular. If you’ve harmed your relationship with your child by losing your temper or by offering unsolicited or uncalled-for advice, “hanging out” on a regular basis might reestablish confidence in your teen so that he can feel safe talking with you again.
  
• Try not to have any particular agenda. You may be ready to talk about the work world and stumble on a juicy discussion with your preteen about romance instead. Let the talk flow wherever it may. Take your cues from your child.
  
• Let your child lead the conversation as much as possible. If she doesn’t have anything to say, don’t push it. Just make it clear you’re open to talking about anything brought up by the movies, the activities, or the questions in the back of the book. Chances are she’ll think it over and get back to you at a later time with anything that’s on her mind.
  
• When your preteen is talking, concentrate on listening, not on evaluating or judging what he says. As parents, we often feel we need to be imparting wisdom constantly. We also tend to make assumptions and jump to conclusions based on our fears. Try to ask neutral, clarifying questions that encourage your child to talk, and work to keep your fears to yourself. Nothing stops a conversation with a kid more quickly than focusing on negative things he might get involved with in the future. The future is yet to be created. If you are listening to him with an open heart, it is more likely that his future decisions will take your values into account.
  
• Practice asking open-ended questions—that is, ones that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. For example, saying “What do you think about this idea of watching a movie together and talking about it afterwards?” works better than “Do you want to watch a movie?” if your goal is to elicit more than a one-word response.
  
• Express how you’re feeling using “I” messages. Better to say, “When you tell me you tried smoking, I feel scared because I know how addictive smoking can be and I care that you stay healthy” than to stop the conversation in its tracks by saying, “I forbid you to smoke. How could you do such a thing?”
  
• Be honest about your level of comfort with particular topics of discussion. If your child asks you something like, “When was the first time you had sex,” and you’re not sure how you want to answer, it’s better to say, “I’m not ready to talk about that. Could you give me some more time until I sort through my thoughts and feelings?” than “It’s none of your business.” Addressing sensitive topics for which you still have feelings of anger, grief, regret, or guilt can be tricky. It is fine to say you don’t feel ready to talk about certain things because you still have too many emotions to talk about them rationally. Try not to be defensive. Remember, you are human and all humans have to deal with hard emotions at times. You might try saying something like, “That’s something I just can’t talk about easily. Could you write down your questions and give me some time to respond? It might take me awhile, but I want to be honest with you.”
  
• Kids are listening even when they appear not to be. So, while giving your child positive reinforcement or assuring her of your love may sometimes feel like you’re talking to the wind, do it anyway.
  
• Touch is important to humans. Even though your preteen might often act as if he doesn’t want hugs and kisses, it’s a good bet that he still yearns for them. Find ways to touch. Offer your lap for his pillow while you watch a movie, stroke his back, or throw an arm over his shoulder. Touching is a wonderful way to get close. Request a hug before bed.
  
• Let your middler know that your discipline is grounded in love. When your preteen challenges your rules concerning her safety or accuses you of being overprotective, it’s a good idea to preface whatever you need to say with “You are one of the most precious people in my life, and I’m working really hard to make sure you stay safe and healthy.” You can’t tell your child too many times how much you love her.
  
• Express humility. Nothing is more comforting to a child (or any of us) than to know that a parent has also made mistakes in life. It is more effective to convey the lessons you’ve learned from your mistakes than to deny that you’ve ever made them.
  
• Trust your child to love you, warts and all.

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Excerpts above and below are from What Kids REALLY Want to Ask: Using Movies to Start Meaningful Conversations copyright © 2007 by Rhonda A. Richardson, PhD, and A. Margaret Pevec, MA, published by VanderWyk & Burnham. All rights reserved.
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Chapter 5

Love Me Tender
Support and Conflict Between Parent and Child

Sample Questions Asked by Middle-School Kids
Do you love me and would you ever give me up?
Do you think I’m important?
What do you really think of me?
Can I have a hug?
If I get in trouble any time, will you tell me so I can correct my mistakes?
Why do you break me down inside and hurt me outside all the time?
Why don’t you have any time for me?
Can we stay together forever?
Why don’t parents talk openly with children if we talk openly with them?
Can I fall back to you if I have a problem?

A Few Things for Parents to Know

As your child moves into the preteen years, you may begin to notice some changes in your relationship with him. Do you find that you’re spending less time in shared activities? Does it seem as though he would rather talk to his friends than you? Is he embarrassed if you try to kiss or hug him in front of other people? Are there days when it seems like whatever you say is the wrong thing? If so, you’re not alone. All of these are typical of the changing relationship between parent and child during the middle-school years. Closeness decreases as parents and children spend less time together and kids choose to confide in friends more than in parents. Conflict increases as kids develop new reasoning skills that enable them to question their parents’ rules and expectations.

It is likely that your middler also has noticed these changes in your relationship. The largest percentage and the most poignant questions kids asked in response to our research were about their relationship with their parents. Kids this age want to know how their parents feel about them. They want to feel accepted by their parents and to be able to talk about problems and issues in their lives. They’re unhappy about having arguments with their parents, and they want to understand why some of those conflicts can turn so hurtful. This chapter offers you the chance to reflect on the relationship between you and your young person, acknowledge any areas of concern that you may want to tend to, and celebrate the love you share.

Human beings have an inherent need for acceptance. For most individuals the first and primary source of acceptance is the parent. Parents convey their acceptance in many different ways, for example, with their affection, care, comfort, concern, nurturance, and support. The expression of acceptance can be physical, verbal, or symbolic, but of primary importance is that it be reliable, consistent, and unconditional. More simply put, all children need to have at least one person who is absolutely head-over-heels crazy about them all the time and no matter what. Ideally that person is a parent.

When kids are infants and young children, most parents find it easy to feel affection towards them. Looking at their sweet faces while they’re sleeping, or seeing them cry when they’re upset pulls at our heartstrings. But as kids move into the preteen years, what came so easily before may now seem complicated. It can be difficult to look at a sulking preteen and feel an urge to hug her, or see the mess on her bedroom floor and be overcome with affection towards her. However, parents need to keep expressing love to their kids even when it seems nearly impossible to do.

Expressing affection is also so much easier with infants and young children compared to middlers. You can hold them, kiss them, sing to them, play with them. But when a child is in early adolescence, ways to express parental affection and acceptance may not be as obvious as they once were. He may not want you to tuck him in bed at night, he might shrink from your attempts to hug and kiss him, he might react with “yeah, whatever” in response to “I love you.” But none of that means he no longer needs or wants our love. It just means that you have to find new ways to convey it. Expressions of love may become more symbolic, like setting rules to protect him from people or situations that might be dangerous, preparing his favorite breakfast on the day of a big math test, or sitting in the rain to watch him play a soccer game.

One of the most loving things you can do for your young person is to be available to listen and offer support when she has a problem. While she may confide in friends about some of her social issues, she will take comfort in having a parent as a soft place to land when she has upsets that friends can’t help her with. And during the middle-school years, kids are likely to experience a lot of troubles, from finding out her latest “crush” doesn’t return her feelings, to worrying about the newest pimple on her face or forgetting to turn in her homework assignment. As trivial as some of those issues may seem to you as an adult, it’s important to treat them as the meaningful concerns they are to your child. If you can respond with empathy and genuine concern to the small matters, she will be more likely to seek you out for help with any bigger, more serious matters that arise.

Of course there will also be many moments of happiness and joy in the life of your young adolescent. You can also show your love by sharing in his happiness and celebrating his successes. Setting aside time every day to hear about what’s going on in his life lets him know you care. For many families this time might be the dinner hour. For others, it might be the last thirty minutes before bedtime or during the drive to school or other activities. Do you spend time talking with your middler every day? Do you know what’s going on in his life? We recommend that you reread the section called “Communicating with Your Preteen” in the introduction of this book. In fact, you might want to refer to those pages every few weeks just to be sure you’re doing everything you can to communicate your acceptance, support, and love for your young person. Building a strong foundation now will pay big dividends in a few short years.

The movie for this chapter illustrates what can happen in the absence of parental acceptance. Believing that parents do not really love or care about her can result in a host of psychological and social complications for a child. Personal insecurity, anxiety, anger, resentment, and depression all have been attributed to the absence of parental acceptance. If an individual feels her parents don’t love her, she may in turn come to view herself as unlovable. She may close off emotionally and have difficulty expressing and receiving love. She may adopt a defensive approach in social relationships, expecting the worst from people and perceiving hostility where none is intended.

Most experts agree it’s not the absence of affection per se, but rather the individual’s perception of parental rejection that can be so devastating. So even if you think you’re doing things to express your love and acceptance to your child, it’s not how the message is sent but how it is received that matters. If you think you’re expressing your love and acceptance to your child but he responds negatively, try asking him for feedback. Tell him, “I’m trying to let you know that I love you, but it doesn’t seem to be working. What could I do that would work better for you?” It also might be helpful to ask someone who is privy to your private interactions to give you some objective feedback. What you think of as loving might really be transmitting an unloving message. For example, parents who seek to control a child may unintentionally project the message that he is untrustworthy or unable to handle things for himself. Spend some time reflecting on the messages you give your child in both words and deeds. What do you do to tell your middler you love him? Does he know that you think he is important? Kids need to hear dozens of “I love yous” for every harsh word they hear. How do you rate on this scale?

Conflicts and disagreements are bound to arise in any close relationship. The parent-child relationship during early adolescence is particularly vulnerable because kids have more advanced abilities to question their parents’ rules and decisions and greater interest in spending time with friends away from parental control. Chances are most of the arguments that happen between you and your middler concern the “small stuff” of life like curfew, keeping her room clean, and how much time she’s spending in front of the television or computer. The thing to be concerned about is not whether you argue, but how you argue. Are you prone to yelling and swearing? Do you lose your temper easily and say things you later regret? Or are you able to calmly and rationally express yourself using “I” messages and feelings? Do you spend so much time talking or venting about what’s upsetting you that you don’t give your young person a chance to express her point of view? Or do you try to find a compromise position so that both of you feel heard and can be satisfied with the outcome? Do you harbor grudges and refuse to take any responsibility for the disagreement? Or do you take the time to apologize afterwards and admit your part?

Hearing and seeing anger from a parent who is supposed to love him can be confusing to a young person and damage the trust he feels towards you. If you are prone to destructive ways of handling disagreements with your middler, consider seeking professional counseling to help you learn new ways to express your displeasure.
Another thing to consider is how loving and caring you are to other people in your life to whom your child is witness. Children learn much by watching you carry out other relationships, and they adjust their trust accordingly. Try to make it a habit to think before you speak and to follow the Golden Rule: treat others the way you would wish to be treated.

Most middlers and their parents value their relationships with one another and enjoy feeling close and connected. Kids may not act like they want hugs and kisses from you, but they do. It may not seem as though they’re interested in family time and family talk, but they are. The movie Smoke Signals will give you a chance to have some deep conversations with your middler about how much you love each other and uncover some of the unspoken feelings between you.

On With The Show!
Movie: Smoke Signals
Year: 1998
Length: 1 hour 29 minutes
MPAA rating:PG-13
Key actors: Adam Beach as Victor Joseph, Evan Adams as Thomas Builds-the Fire,
Gary Farmer as Arnold Joseph, Irene Bedard as Suzy Song
Director: Chris Eyre

Movie Synopsis

Smoke Signals is a drama that tells the story of Victor Joseph and Thomas Builds-the-Fire, two Native American young men from the Coeur d’Alene Indian Reservation. Thomas’s parents died in a house fire when he was an infant, and Victor’s father abandoned the family when Victor was 12 years old. When Victor learns of his father’s death, he decides to travel to Phoenix to retrieve his father’s pick-up truck and personal belongings. Thomas offers to pay for the bus trip, on the condition that he can come along. Throughout their six-day journey, Thomas reminisces about Victor’s father and the ways he did and did not express love towards his son. The boys meet Suzy, the father’s friend, who gives Victor more information about his dad. In the end, Victor comes to terms with his past and finds a way to forgive his father for the poor relationship they had.

Cautions

The movie begins with a house fire scene in which baby Thomas is thrown from a window to safety; no deaths are shown. Arnold Joseph is an alcoholic, and there are two scenes in which he is intoxicated. One occurs when Victor accidentally spills his father’s bottle of beer as they are driving and Arnold hits him across the face. Later, during a drunken argument, Arnold hits his wife and then leaves in his pick-up truck. Swear words (shit, bullshit) are used a few times. Toward the end of the movie there is one flashback scene in which Suzy finds Arnold lying dead on his bed; he appears to be sleeping and there is no sign of trauma. Victor and Thomas are involved in an automobile accident near the end of the film, and a bloodied, injured woman is briefly shown lying on the ground.

Movie Talking Points for Parents

• When Arnold (Victor’s father) talks to his friend Suzy about abandoning his wife and son, he says the worst thing he ever did was “broke three hearts.” What is the worst thing you ever did to cause emotional pain to someone you love? How did it change your relationship with that person?
  
• Victor spent most of his adolescent and young adult years believing his father didn’t love him. How do you express your love to your middler? What changes, if any, would you like to make in how you do this?
  
• At the end of the movie, Victor realizes his father didn’t really mean to leave. What are some hurtful things you have done to your child that you really didn’t mean to do? When is the last time you said something hurtful to your child that you wish you hadn’t said? What might happen if you said, “I’m sorry”? What makes that difficult for you?
  
• Victor’s father died before he had the chance to apologize to his son for all of the emotional pain he had caused. According to his friend Suzy, “He didn’t want to die here, he wanted to go home.” Is there any relationship in your life that you want to heal while there is still time? How important is it to you to forgive and be forgiven? What can you tell your young person about the process of healing through forgiveness?
  
• Victor asks Suzy if his father ever talked about him. She says that he used to talk about playing basketball with Victor and that he was proud of Victor’s basketball skills. What makes you proud of your young person? What are some of his accomplishments or abilities that you tell other people about? How often do you tell your middler you are proud of him?
  
• Toward the end of the movie, Victor sees an image of his father helping him after the automobile accident. What are some ways you have helped and supported your young person through difficult situations or problems? What was meaningful about those times for you? How have those times been helpful to your middler?
  
• Both Thomas and Suzy told Victor many stories about his father. They wanted Victor to remember the good things about his father instead of only the negatives. What are some of the good things you remember about your relationship with your parents when you were in early adolescence? What are some good things you hope your child will always remember about you? What do you do to create special memories with your child?

For Kids: What Do You Think?

Smoke Signals tells the story of a young man who was hurt and angry because his father didn’t express much love towards him. Do you ever feel like your parents don’t love and care about you? Are there times when you wish you could turn to your parents for support but feel you won’t get it? Now is the time to talk about ways you don’t feel loved and supported by a parent.

To help get the conversation started, share your answers to the following questions with your parent or parents and see what they say.

• When Victor is deciding about traveling to Phoenix to claim his father’s belongings, his mother says to him, “If you go, I want you to promise you’ll come back.” Can you think of a time when one of your parents said something to you that made you feel really important to them? What did they say?
  
• Victor is angry because his dad abandoned the family when Victor was just 12 years old. How would you feel if your parent left you? In what ways do your parents let you know they are there for you when you need them? Has there ever been a time when you weren’t sure? If so, what did they say or do that caused you to question their commitment to you?
  
• Thomas’s grandmother, who is loving and supportive, raised him. Likewise, Victor’s mother is caring and loving. What things do your parents do or say that let you know they love you? How do you feel when they do or say these things? What are some things you wish they would do or say to let you know they love you?
  
• As a young boy, Victor was very angry with his parents for their heavy drinking and their neglect of him. What kinds of things do your parents do or say that leave you feeling angry towards them? Do you ever feel that your parents don’t love you? What do they do that leaves you feeling unloved?
  
• Victor has fond memories of playing basketball with his father. What are some of your favorite memories of spending time with your parents? What are some of your favorite things to do with your mom? What are some of your favorite things to do with your dad? If you could have your mom or dad all to yourself for one whole day, what would you want to do together?
  
• Toward the end of the movie, Victor feels comforted and relieved when he sees an image of his father helping him after the automobile accident. What have been some situations you have faced when a parent provided meaningful support and help? What makes it easy or difficult for you to turn to a parent for support? How do you feel about the amount of support and advice you receive from your parent?
  
• At various points in the movie, Victor’s mother, his friend Thomas, and his father’s friend Suzy all try to get Victor to talk about his feelings towards his father. Victor gets irritated and is unable to express his feelings in words. How hard is it for you to talk about your feelings? Have you ever been able to tell your parents how you feel about them? What do you need from your parents that would make this easier for you?

Your Turn

Now it’s your turn to write down any questions you would like to ask one or both of your parents about the love, support, and conflict in your relationship with each other. What do you really want to know?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Activities

• Parents and Kids: Play “Things I Love About You” around the dinner table. Each of you takes turns telling the other the reasons you love them. To make it more fun, try to alternate between silly reasons and serious reasons.
  
• Parents and Kids: Once a month, plan a “Mom and me” or “Dad and me” day. Invite your child to make a list of activities he would most enjoy sharing with you. Then let him set the agenda for this special time each month.
  
• Parents and Kids: Start a “Just Between Us” journal. Buy a blank journal or notebook and decorate the cover. Choose a place to keep the journal. Whenever either of you has something you want to discuss with the other that’s hard to say out loud, write it down. It might be something you’re angry about, or something you’re worried about, or something you want to ask the other person. After you write in the journal, leave it on the other person’s pillow. The other person can either respond in writing or make an appointment to talk about what was written in the journal. When you’re finished with your discussion put the journal back in its keeping place until the next time one of you needs it.
  
• Parents: Each day write I love you on a slip of paper and think of a new place to put the note (for example, in his shoe, in his coat pocket, taped to the bathroom mirror, taped to the television screen, inside a school book). Keep this up for as long as you can!
  
• Parents and Kids: Practice “arguing by appointment.” The next time you’re upset about something the other person does or says, ask if you can schedule an appointment to discuss it. Make an appointment reminder card that says, “We have an appointment to discuss a problem on (day) at (time).” Before the scheduled time, write down your complaint using an “I” message format: for example, write I feel ___[how you feel]____ when you ___[the thing he did or said]___. Remember, there might be several feelings all jumbled up together. Try to state them all. For example, “I feel angry, confused, and frustrated when you tell me you’ll be home at 6:00 and don’t show up or even call until 8:00.” During the appointment, read your statement to the other person. Try to follow a rule that each person must start every response with the word “I.” See if you can remember to say, “I’m sorry,” and offer a hug before the end of the discussion.
  
• Parents and Kids: Create a “Good Times Memory Book.” Spend an hour reminiscing about times you have spent together that have been fun, funny, or especially loving. Looking through photographs might help. Write down these stories in a notebook and add to it as new opportunities arise. Whenever you are feeling frustrated about something unpleasant that happened between the two of you, pull out the notebook and read through the happy memories.
  
• Kids: Make a “Lend Me Your Ear” box. Whenever you have a problem you would like to talk about or a question you would like to ask your parents, write it down on a slip of paper and put it in the box. Talk to your parents about scheduling a monthly family meeting at which questions from the box are discussed.

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Excerpts above are from What Kids REALLY Want to Ask: Using Movies to Start Meaningful Conversations copyright © 2007 by Rhonda A. Richardson, PhD, and A. Margaret Pevec, MA, published by VanderWyk & Burnham. All rights reserved.